Sunday, June 22, 2008

Driving While Intoxicated And The Price On My Head


I have always enjoyed beer. It is pretty common for me to sit down with a six-pack of Juk'ta and drink it. It is also pretty common for me to finish the six-pack and then find another six-pack and drink that one too. Usually after consuming large quantities of this alcohol I will crawl into my warm, safe bunk in the station, vomit somewhere on the sheets, fall asleep and then dream of flying an Ishtar. Occasionally instead of this result I will decide that getting into my ship and flying around smashed is a good idea. Sure it is moderately illegal but when you are wanted by the empire, have a 5 million isk bounty on your head and your profession is to destroy peoples ships and then possibly murder them, this isn't really much of a roadblock.

So one thing leads to another and I am flying around in my Taranis, lit up and barely able to figure out how to toggle my microwarpdrive. As I am sitting there trying to decide whether or not the button I am about to press is the self-destruct, a call comes in over my corporations channel. It appears that one of my Crusader flying friends has locked down a Maller in a belt and needs help! I strapped myself in and quickly punched in a course for the proper system. A few jumps later I have arrived at the location and am barreling towards the belt that my fellow pilot had specified. Being in the state that I was, I did not scan and I did not ask any questions before bursting out of warp and seeing that not only was my cohort and the Maller in the belt, but so was a Drake battlecruiser! "NO PROBLEM!" I yelled drunkenly to no one in particular as I completely ignored the Drake and opened fire upon the Maller. About thirty seconds later I was warping away in my pod, wondering how the Drake had managed to blow me to pieces.

Let this be a lesson to all you pilots out there. Drinking and flying is dangerous and can get people killed. Unfortunately, this time it was me that did the dying.

The Price On My Head

A few days ago, I was floating around a system searching for targets. The selection had been uncharacteristically sparse and I was ready to take just about anything when a pilot began chattering in the local system channel. The conversation immediately turned to how pirates are terrible people (which I made sure to eagerly agree about) and how the pilot was in a shuttle and just looking for a good moon to put up a new station. I invited this potential victim to my fleet, informed him that I was at an excellent spot for a station and then killed and podded him as soon as he was stupid enough to warp to me. Not wanting to discuss the events that had just transpired, I ignored his hails as he attempted to contact me afterwards and instead watched Star Wars: Episode 157 - Jar Jar Binks Super-Jedi on my ships console. The next day when I awoke I found that someone had added five million ISK to my bounty! Neat!

Today I received a hail from the CEO of my corporation. We opened a private channel and he started the conversation by asking me: "Have you ever wondered what the price is on your head?" Well it turns out that the pilot whom I tricked and podded was actually a very wealthy ship producer. My CEO had purchased a ship from him recently and the angry pilot had made him an offer. If I were to be destroyed and podded, he would give him a free Archon carrier. I don't have much knowledge in the way of carrier's or capital ships but from my research I have estimated it's value at approximately 1,100,000,000 ISK. One-point one BILLION ISK is what was being offered for my untimely death. My loyal CEO told him that he would not betray me which was very swell of him and I am stoked to know that someone hates me enough that they would be willing to lose billions simply to ensure that I lost a frigate and a clone with no implants.

in·fa·mous (adjective)
1.having an extremely bad reputation: an infamous city.
2.deserving of or causing an evil reputation; shamefully malign; detestable: an infamous deed.


Ombey said...

Heh heh, nice post. Offering a Carrier for your head? Seems like a nice exchange!

Mynxee said...

HA!!! Should've negotiated with your CEO for a "tip" of 50MIL or something and told him to seal the deal by offering your corpse on contract in exchange for the carrier. Everyone wins...except the idiot shipbuilder. LOL. Carebears are endlessly entertaining. Especially the rich ones.

Fiammata said...

wait, you actualy fly sober? i have a keg right next to me at all times while in space....