Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The Newb Experiment

The Newb Question

Sexy Sadie glinted in the starlight as she orbited her victim at breakneck speeds. Her high tech beam lasers punched hole after hole into the structure of the Cormorant destroyer. Finally, the target could withstand no more punishment and broke apart into several pieces, dead in the water. The pilot within attempted to escape the wreck alive but was quickly stopped by the gentle hum of my trusty old warp disruptor. Now it was what we like to call "Ransom Time". Sort of like "Nap Time" only there is less sleeping and more profiting:

[03:08:40] Ding Woot > i dont want trouble
[03:08:59] Spectre3353 > looks like youve got it

[03:09:05] Spectre3353 > 1 million isk and your pod can leave

[03:09:11] Spectre3353 > you have 30 seconds to transfer the money

[03:09:24] Ding Woot > Who the hels got a million isk
[03:09:47] Spectre3353 > this is your last chance

This guy was obviously not from around here. I spend a million ISK every other day just to get my pony washed and pruned. What was the big deal? After a few more seconds of waiting I grew impatient and decided to simply show him the backside of a beam laser. As I gathered the loot from his wreck and flew away, he sent me another transmission from wherever his clone had been activated:

[03:09:48] Ding Woot > i will be back. you better hide
[03:11:08] Ding Woot > Thank you.
[03:11:22] Ding Woot > your a hell if a Gay

A threat, some gratitude and then a bit of gibberish? Bizarre. I shrugged it off and continued on my way when a new message popped up in my inbox! I never get mail! I excitedly opened the message only to be hit with this whopper:

2008.08.06 03:18
YOU, have made an Enemy !
Im looking for you.

...and then another message came in indicating a change in my wallet balance:

0.10 ISK Ding Woot deposited cash into Spectre3353's account.

I sat stunned. I had made an enemy that deposited free change into my wallet? Was he trying to confuse me to death? What in the world was it that goes through these new pilots heads when they lose their ship? Even as a young pirate I had never become so irrational and crazed upon a loss of a vessel or my pod or my pony or anything at all! I had to know what it was like. I had to know what could cause a man to be driven so crazy that he would respond this way. I had to become... a newb...

The Newb Answer

I had purchased the perfect disguise. I now looked like a female Caldari mercenary and I had gotten access to forged documents that would trick anyone into believing this pilot had only recently graduated from military school. In the hangar my newb ship awaited. Into the Kestrel's pilot chair I climbed and into space I did fly her. I set course for my home system and upon arrival, I flew to the very first belt on my scanner. For a small while I went from belt to belt, attacking rats and admiring the Veldspar, waiting for my experiment to come to fruition and I did not have to wait long. There was a Rifter on scan! Within moments he dropped into my belt and began approaching. I eagerly began peppering him with missiles from afar and watched his shields drop but it would not last long as he approached and began firing back. Now was the time for me to play my role!

[04:13:06] Pwner5000 > PLZ STOP! I AM A PEECFUL MAN!!!1
[04:13:13] Pwner5000 > HALP ME!

The Rifter pilot continued to bombard my helpless little Kestrel and soon I was sitting in my pod in space, surrounded by the debris of my poor craft.

[04:14:19] Pwner5000 > U KILLED MY SHIPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[04:14:33] Pwner5000 > PLZ DONT LOOT
[04:14:44] Ezien > Ack, meant to disable earlier, popped through structure faster than I meant to
[04:15:00] Pwner5000 > U PICK ON DEFENSZLESS NEWB?
[04:15:03] Pwner5000 > I JUST PLAY THIS GAME TODAY

I laughed in my pod, thinking about how I would feel if I were on the other side of the encounter. Probably confused and extremely amused.

[04:15:14] Pwner5000 > WHY U KILL ME? :((((
[04:15:25] Ezien > Eh, I've never done any pirating except today
[04:15:37] Ezien > So I wanted to fight and see who would win, didn't mean to blow you up :[
[04:15:40] Pwner5000 > PIRAETING RUINS GAME
[04:15:47] Pwner5000 > U THINK I WILL PLAY GAME EVER AGAIN?

[04:15:49] Ezien > Was just going to ransom you, but eh.

[04:15:50] Pwner5000 > I DONT THINK NOT
[04:16:00] Pwner5000 > U MADE ENEMY TODAY

[04:16:05] Pwner5000 > I WILL HUNT U TILL THE END
[04:16:11] Ezien > Well, I look foward to seeing you again :)

[04:16:18] Pwner5000 > U CANNOT ESCAPE

[04:16:23] Pwner5000 > U WILL FEER MY NAME FRIEND
[04:16:30] Ezien > I'd stay out of low-sec though, at least till you have a good idea of the danger

[04:16:40] Pwner5000 > U R THE 1 IN DANGRE NOW

[04:16:59] Ezien > Anyway, you seem to have started today, so I'll let you go on your merry way

[04:17:03] Ezien > Good luck my friend.
[04:17:21] Pwner5000 > GOOD LUCK TO U FOR I SHALL BE HUNTING!

I cringed at my own over-acting. I can't be blamed for the poor performance. I am a killer, not an actor! I watched as the Rifter pilot began wandering the belt, sifting through the wrecks of the Gursita ships I had destroyed and my wreck as well. I messaged my corporation and informed them that his ship was idle in the belt. Golden Helmet jumped into his Crow to engage. I watched as poor Ezien was cornered and destroyed by my CEO's interceptor.

[04:22:38] Mr Morimoto > and so this concludes tonights lesson 'Eve food chain dynamics'

The unfortunate result of the experiment is that now I understand even less than I did before. Getting destroyed in that belt was FUN! I must continue to spread this joy to others around the universe, even if they don't realize that it is for their own good. I returned to the station, changed back into my normal clothing, patted Mr Pilkins and I smiled. I was a good man. Like Santa Claus with lasers. I needed to continue spreading joy to all the pilots. I boarded Sexy Sadie and took off into the sky to do my thing...

The Newb End!

P.S. Ding Woot sent me yet another Eve Mail after this post had been written:

2008.08.06 05:05
I will find you I will KILL you

P.P.S. I have created a channel in game for anyone would like to drop by and hang out. The channel is "EveNewb". I look forward to speaking to anyone who is bored enough to come by.

P.P.P.S. This guy is apparently obsessed with me now:

2008.08.06 07:52
I WILL, have you DEAD. Scum....


Jarek said...

Nice story :).

The channel seems like a good idea.

Mick said...

Haha, very funny post :D

In my bio, I have a little collection of threats and funny comments made to me. Newbs are all the same :)

Ombey said...

ROFL excellent post :)

Anonymous said...

Love the story and the blog in general.

I've yet to get any proper hate mail for killing people. I do get the odd one or two who ask for tips afterwards but that's about it. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough :)

Spectre said...

Wensley: Keep at it and it will happen. At least 98% of the people I kill either don't say anything or start a friendly "Wow, you sure got me!" conversation afterwards. Only with some very new players do they actually get angry enough to go and send these sorts of responses and hatemail.

Anonymous said...

Aww your such a :) Very amusing story. I will strore this one in long term memory as if I am ever convo'ed. Normally I shoot em and don't even talk to em. the occasional "gf" or rarely "GF m8"...good hunting