Monday, February 9, 2009


I put $1.00 into the vending machine the other day. There were lots of choices but it is hard to argue against the package of Peanut Chews staring me back. I feel a little bit bad as my fat ass doesn't really need any more chocolate or caramel or peanuts in my stomach but most of those bad feelings were mitigated by the deliciousness distributed by those six tasty morsels. I tried to be polite and share some of my Peanut Chews with my co-workers and one of them who I will refer to as "Don" tells me that it is his second favorite chew. Second favorite to only the Charleston Chew. I sat back down at my seat and tried to wrap my head around the claim. Charleston Chew? Peanut Chews? Both are chewey. Both are delicious. How do you even compare them? How can you claim that one is better than the other? Only a comprehensive point by point comparison could decide this battle.

Quantity, Price & Selection:

I suppose this depends on where you purchase. I can only judge by my personal experiences and locations of distribution where the Charleston Chew tended to be a little bit cheaper. As far as quantity goes, the standard Peanut Chews package with six small bars is over 5 oz worth of candy (each piece is approximately 0.9 oz) whereas the Charleston Chew is only about 1.875 oz per standard bar. The price to candy ratio between both is comparable so the big difference here will have to be selection. Charleston Chews come in three different flavors of standard vanilla, chocolate and strawberry while Peanut Chews come in only the one standard (but delicious) chocolate/caramel/peanut variety. The answer is pretty clear.

Winner: Charleston Chew

Packaging & Style:

This one is obvious. Peanut Chews come in a drab brown box that just reminds you of what it is going to look like in a couple hours as you expel it. The packaging is so depressing that sometimes I cry and sing Bette Midlers "Wind Beneath My Wings" in between bites. Charleston Chews on the other hand have packaging that is bright and colorful and happy, helping you forget as you devour half a dozen bars that you are going to die before 40 from heart disease brought on by poor diet.

Winner: Charleston Chew

Effectiveness If Used In Self-Defense:

This category is a difficult one. One might think that the Charleston Chew is hands down the obvious winner as a big frozen CC could easily beat even the toughest of men to death and is the weapon of choice of several west side Los Angeles gangs. It also proves a certain level of versatility as you can bend it down the middle and "voilla!" you have a nasty set of nunchuks. That being said, it is still not as versatile as the Peanut Chew. Want to smack someone with the entire unopened package? No problem. Want to open it up and load each of the six morsels into a firearm of choice? That works. Want to melt them and lay them on the ground as slippery choclately caramelly peanuty traps? Tried and true. And best of all is that you can eat a few and still have some left over to enter combat with.

All things considered I am going to have to go with the Charleston Chew. I wouldn't mind being stuck in a to-the-death-melee with either of these formidable weapons but when push comes to shove I want the most phallic and club-like candy on my side.

Winner: Charleston Chew

Effect On Bowels and Stool:

I will just have to say up front that this category is a complete tie. I tested out the effects of each chew by eating nothing but each candy for an entire day. At the end of both testing days I was in pretty excruitiating abdominal and anal pain. I won't go into too much detail (I guess I already did) but lets say that both chews come out the back end looking very similiar to the way they went in the front.

Winner: There are no winners when crapping hurts this bad


I honestly wasn't expecting such a decisive victory but Tootsie Roll Industries should be proud of themselves. They are the producers of the best chew and for that I award them and the Charleston Chew this years GREATEST CHEW OF THE YEAR award! Congratulations!!!


Anonymous said...

I have always wanted to try a Charleston Chew and from what you said above I think I'll have to go try one. And also I want to see how good it really is at self defense! One can never be too careful these days...

Anonymous said...
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Dexter Tripod said...

After this post, your foray away from Eve has been somewhat forgiven in my eyes. :-P I'm not sure I've ever read a head to head review where the poop factor was a category.

Grippers said...

WHAT ARE YOU DOING M****E?!?!?!!? Level up my alts and quit screwing around about candy bars.

Chomin H'ak said...

It may not be EvE, but this $#!%'$ funny. Nicely done, Spectre.