Monday, June 22, 2009

How To Abuse Newbs

I know I talk a big game. Occasionally I might get a solid kill that makes me look like I have some talent but more often than not I get my ass kicked by anything that can fight back. As a result, I have made a serious career out of determining who cannot fight back and taking advantage of their weakness. It might not be all that glorious but holy fucking balls is it fun. There are a lot of newbs out there. A lot. So I figure it's only fair and couldn't hurt to share how you too could be taking advantage of and viciously abusing pilots who are new and haven't got a clue:

Step 1 - Find an area of lowsec space where lots of stupid newbs show up. This is generally going to be a lowsec system that is close to busy highsec and probably close to a factions starting area. I have had great success in the general area around Minmitar/Gallente space near Amamake as well as some areas of Caldari space.

Step 2 - Find some targets. Use local chat and use your scanner. Find the pilots that appear to be young or still in an NPC corporation by right clicking their names in local chat and selecting "show info". Look around on your scanner for pilots who have not yet renamed their ships (ie: "Dickwad's Vexor", "Jizzeater's Bantam", etc). Look for ships that may be missioning that only have Tech I drones and less than five drones deployed. Use all the information on scan and in local to your advantage to determine who is a clueless newb and who actually has their shit together.

Step 3 - Abuse game mechanics and act like a complete scumbag in order to get the target into a compromising position. I usually start off by inviting the person to fleet. The worst thing a person can do is accept this invite as you now have the ability to warp directly to them wherever they are at as well as tell their ship where to warp. If you already know a target is located somewhere where you can engage such a safe spot or mission, you should be aligned towards their general area and warp to them as soon as they accept fleet. You never know when someone is going to accept an invite and then leave three seconds later so take advantage immediately before you lose your chance.

If the person is in a location where you cannot engage due to sentries or you land out of scrambling range, immediately warp your squad to another location where you can engage. I usually take my targets straight to a safe spot where no other random idiots could ruin the fun. If your target is in a station, you should try to dock and determine which one and then wait outside for them. It is a great idea to have instant undock points bookmarked for each station in the areas where you hunt not only for escape purposes, but so you can instantly warp your fleeted targets as they undock before they can do anything to stop it.

Lastly, make sure you don't ignore your partners emotional needs! If someone joins your fleet and you ignore them, they are going to leave and continue what they were doing. Don't let this happen! Distract them with pillow talk about whatever you think will hold their attention long enough to not notice the certain death creeping up. Alternatively from obtaining their attention through trying to find something in common, you can try to confuse them for a few minutes by using very bad english and discussing totally nonsensical subjects like ice cream, clowns, donkeys and snow globes.

Step 4 - KILL IT DEAD. You have gone through all the steps above and tricked someone into either letting you locate them or into letting you warp them to a safe spot. Now is the fun part! Blow up their crappily fit missioning Osprey and rejoice for you have successfully abused a newb! Nice job! Soak in the almost guaranteed tears and go look for a new target!

[22:20:45] Carrion Crow > wow you are so clever
[22:21:03] Carrion Crow > do you think i can be like you one day?
[22:21:14] Spectre3353 > its going to take a lot of hard work, dedication, and a gigantic penis
[22:21:15] Spectre3353 > but sure

[02:14:54] D'anima > lol that was quite the waste of your ammo and time 
[02:16:13] Spectre3353 > hi

[02:16:15] Spectre3353 > no it wasnt

[02:16:19] Spectre3353 > my ammo is purchased so i can have fun

[02:16:22] Spectre3353 > killing you = fun

[02:16:27] D'anima > lol

[02:16:39] D'anima > glad you enjoy yourself :D didn't set me back at all

[13:48:57] Spectre3353 > can you leave fleet and join mine for a minute so i can link you some stuff? 
[13:49:51] Diluded > one sec

[13:49:54] Spectre3353 > sure

[13:50:36] Diluded > done
[13:50:40] Diluded > ive left fleet

Additional Notes - Never say "No one would ever fall for this!" to yourself. If you can think of some way to trick someone into exposing themselves, chances are that it will work on some idiot at some point. No matter where someone is, no matter what someone is doing, do not be afraid to at the very least open a conversation and try to convince them that you have some awesome modules to trade to them over in that nearby lowsec system. Make stuff up. Lie out your ass. Act like a complete and utterly uncivilized dirtbag if you have to. Just know that a positive attitude and pretending to be a nice guy will get you some free kills and occasionally even make you a few bucks and that is what Eve is all about.


Andrea skye said...

I still remember the guy who you made eject from a raven, sold it him back, and we blew him up the moment he undocked.

That was some good abuse. He learnt like every lesson to learn in eve in about 10 minutes xD

Mynxee said...

Even after all this time, I accept your fleet invites with a certain amount of trepidation! But damn, Spec, you are fun to fly with even if it makes me feel sorta dirty.

Omgah said...

I think this provides a very accurate depiction of our day to day activities in the Python Cartel.

Dexter Tripod said...

Yeah, noob popping is fun. Haven't tried tricking them into gangs though.
Although, when 3 frigates let me AB to them from like 50km before they decided to do something about it, I doubt the invite/warp to is necessary in all cases. LOL

Chrai said...

It's things like this I wish I knew earlier. Great read man.

Anonymous said...

And then there are the Pirate Hunters like me, who look for you and pull your own tricks on you... Accept Fleet... Why YES!.... while I have my drones and smartbombs loaded for bear as you "warp to me..."

Tony "EVE's Weekend Warrior" said...

ABUSE?!?! I'm reporting you to the abuse police!!!!

Funny but true, this type of stuff really works on noobs, I've tried :D