Friday, February 26, 2010

Keeping The Peace - ADF Operation Beta

The Spacelane Journal Reporter: Welcome back to our continuing special on the Amamake Defence Force, defenders of lowsec and the newest initiative from our friends at CONCORD. This is our second interview with ADF Commander Spectre, who gave us a great rundown of their first operation several weeks ago. Welcome back to the program, Commander!

Amamake Defence Force Spectre: Thanks.

TSJR: Can you tell us how things have gone since we last spoke after Operation Alpha?

Spectre: Certainly. After the severe tragedy of Operation Alpha, we decided to shore up all weak points, equip our officers more properly and put them through some very rigorous anti-violence training. CONCORD and the ADF have realized that it will take significant force and the best trained officers possible to make a dent in problem that is destroying our galaxy.

TSJR: That is wonderful to hear!

Spectre: I have some footage here of Operation Beta in which we patrolled the Old Man Star, Aeschee and Tama solar systems of low security space. Roll the tape please...


Narrator: At 0216 New Eden Standard Time, the ADF entered Aeschee local and began their operations by checking out a suspicious ship undocking from one of the stations:
[ 02:19:10 ] Spectre3353 > XgAdam, please leave this station, it is a restricted region.
[ 02:19:25 ] Spectre3353 > By order of the Amamake Defense Force, we request full compliance from all pilots in system.
[ 02:20:53 ] XgAdam > Spectre3353, please leave local chat. it is restricted to those with IQ's higher that a rusty spoon
[ 02:21:25 ] Spectre3353 > XgAdam, under CONCORD authority I can arrest you for insubordination if you continue to verbally assault an ADF officer. Please comply with our requests.
[ 02:21:49 ] Andrea Skye > Sir, it is an offence to talk to an ADF officer with such a tone, please cease from such activities or face the consequences
[ 02:22:03 ] RyanSnake > shut yo face son
[ 02:22:36 ] Golden Helmet > Sir, please refrain from any further verbal assaults, or else we may forcefully re-enact the Rodney King incident
[ 02:22:58 ] Andrea Skye > Your hostility has been noted and saved to our records.


[ 02:24:06 ] Spectre3353 > Sir, please pull your vehicle to the side of the station.
[ 02:24:08 ] Lachesis VII > Stop your ship and pulll over.
[ 02:24:17 ] Spectre3353 > Please remove your pod from the vehicle and display your license and vehicle registration.
[ 02:24:41 ] Spectre3353 > Control this is Car Bangarang, we have a 4-12, Phobos on the run.
[ 02:24:42 ] Spectre3353 > Please advise.
[ 02:24:43 ] XgAdam > O.o im already in my pod genius
[ 02:26:03 ] Drinoch > that's the wierdest fleet i've ever seen lol
Narrator: It was at this moment that a speeding Rupture was spotted flying by the station that the ADF was trying so hard to protect. Several officers were deployed to chase down and ticket the offender.
[ 02:27:03 ] killer chick > omg its the cops
[ 02:27:26 ] Spectre3353 > Killer Chick please refrain from all violent activities in this lowsec system. It has been declared highsec for the time being.
[ 02:27:28 ] killer chick > /emote resists arrest
[ 02:27:35 ] Spectre3353 > HES GETTING AWAY
[ 02:27:39 ] Andrea Skye > CODE 9
[ 02:27:40 ] Spectre3353 > HE PUNCHED ME IN MY BREAST
[ 02:27:47 ] killer chick > you will never catch me
[ 02:27:50 ] Apoctasy > IN PURSUIT
[ 02:27:59 ] Golden Helmet > BRING IN THE K-9 UNITS
[ 02:28:00 ] Vaurion Infara > oh snap, the fuzz
[ 02:28:08 ] killer chick > /emote pulls over
[ 02:28:19 ] Golden Helmet > GET OUT OF THE CRUISER
[ 02:28:19 ] Spectre3353 > Sir please put your hands on the dash
[ 02:28:22 ] Golden Helmet > HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK
[ 02:28:22 ] Nashh Kadavr > breathalize him!
[ 02:28:47 ] Spectre3353 > Thank you sir
[ 02:28:48 ] Golden Helmet > CUFF HIM, BOYS
[ 02:28:50 ] killer chick > /emote runs
[ 02:28:50 ] Andrea Skye > hes getting away on foot!
[ 02:28:53 ] Spectre3353 > /emote does a search of the Rupture
[ 02:28:57 ] Golden Helmet > DAMMIT
[ 02:29:04 ] Spectre3353 > /emote finds a giant bag of marijuana.
[ 02:29:10 ] Spectre3353 > SIR, IS THIS MEDICINAL?
[ 02:29:17 ] killer chick > uh
[ 02:29:22 ] killer chick > yes sir
[ 02:29:23 ] Lachesis VII > /emote finds a suitcase full of sex toys
[ 02:29:25 ] Spectre3353 > I'm sorry but we are going to have to impound your ship.
[ 02:29:29 ] Spectre3353 > You are going to the slammer.
[ 02:29:36 ] 0mnibeing > Hello fat chick
[ 02:29:42 ] killer chick > please don't officer, its all i got
[ 02:29:44 ] Lachesis VII > you know these are illegal in empire spce?
[ 02:30:17 ] killer chick > i didnt know it was illegal
[ 02:30:20 ] killer chick > honest
Narrator: Fortunately the offender did finally comply with ADF demands and the ship was impounded for several infractions by its owner.

Narrator: After a rousing success to start operations, the ADF employed one of their highly skilled probe mechanics to track down a Dominix in deep space that appeared to be engaging in some sort of violent combat. Soon the fleet had entered his grid and began to employ Electronic Countermeasures against all offending parties.
[ 02:35:28 ] Spectre3353 > SIR PLEASE CEASE YOUR AGGRESSION IMMEDIATELY
[ 02:35:30 ] Spectre3353 > YOU IN THE DOMINIX
[ 02:35:58 ] Vaurion Infara > better taze him, dat nigga crazy
[ 02:36:01 ] Spectre3353 > Halt! In conjunction with The Amamake Peace Accord of 58177 we, the Amamake Defense Force, demand that you cease your aggressions and retreat from the field of battle immediately!
[ 02:36:01 ] Golden Helmet > ATTENTION DOMINIX PILOT
[ 02:36:06 ] Golden Helmet > VIGILANTIISM IS NOT APPRECIATED
[ 02:36:10 ] Golden Helmet > PLEASE LEAVE THE VICINITY
[ 02:36:40 ] Andrea Skye > leave it to the professionals


Narrator: But wait! The ADF suddenly realized that this Dominix was on their side as he was destroying rogue drones for the Gallente Federation! Oh dear!
[ 02:37:27 ] Spectre3353 > APOLOGIES CITIZEN
[ 02:37:30 ] Spectre3353 > WE DID NOT REALIZE
[ 02:37:34 ] Vaurion Infara > the hell man
[ 02:37:38 ] Golden Helmet > OUR MISTAKE, SORRY
[ 02:37:38 ] Vaurion Infara > not cool
[ 02:37:43 ] Golden Helmet > Please don't file a complaint
[ 02:38:07 ] Spectre3353 > SIR YOU ARE FREE TO CONTINUE YOUR ANTI-DRONE AGGRESSIONS
[ 02:38:17 ] Spectre3353 > WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE ACCIDENTAL DEPLOYMENT OF 40 ECM JAMMERS
[ 02:38:30 ] Vaurion Infara > damn po po... keepin a playa down...
[ 02:38:46 ] Mathias Ortez > you accidentally the whole thing?
[ 02:39:13 ] Tallon Greer > is 1700 m/s within the speed limit?
[ 02:39:43 ] Vaurion Infara > jeez... i had the last ship 1/2 popped too


Narrator: With their duties fulfilled in Aeschee, the Amamake Defence Force next set destination for the wild and dirty system of Tama. They were immediately greeted upon entering Tama local.
[ 03:12:42 ] Merin Ryskin > Oh, you people.
[ 03:12:42 ] flyy1 > fucking losers
[ 03:12:45 ] jackz01 > heed my call!!!!
[ 03:12:52 ] jackz01 > GET OUT OF MY SYSTEM
[ 03:13:03 ] Spectre3353 > Control - I have a 5712 Honda Rupture here with a tailight out. License plate 1726-A8FF-129100-FEA-1
[ 03:13:07 ] Spectre3353 > Roger roger.
[ 03:13:09 ] Merin Ryskin > So how many Falcons did you bring this time?

[ 03:15:57 ] Gorgoth24 > Yall find them adn i will kill them X)
[ 03:15:57 ] Apoctasy > WE ARE A PEACEFUL FORCE
[ 03:15:58 ] rm9403 > i will
[ 03:15:58 ] jackz01 > vs these fags
[ 03:16:05 ] Spectre3353 > Sir assaulting an officer is a VERY serious offence. You should think before you suggest such things.
[ 03:16:11 ] jackz01 > lets all kill
[ 03:16:13 ] jackz01 > the officer
[ 03:16:18 ] jackz01 > then crap on his dead body
[ 03:16:26 ] Wohenmang > Sir, please refrain from speaking abrassively towards the Amamake Defence Force we are here for YOU! we are making this system a safe haven for miners and industrialists alike!
[ 03:16:32 ] jackz01 > i doing it
[ 03:16:44 ] Nashh Kadavr > COMMANDER? CRAPPING ON DEAD BODY'S IS AN OFFENCE RIGHT?
[ 03:16:53 ] Spectre3353 > Yes Officer Nash
[ 03:17:04 ] Spectre3353 > Crapping upon corpses is against order 56-1.B in the ADF rulebook
Narrator: With the bulk of their forces gathered in an asteroid belt, keeping an eye on the locals, a single Myrmidon battlecruiser arrived and began engaging with a rogue Rupture. The ADF would not stand for such disruptions and they responded quickly and with full force.

[ 03:20:08 ] L4zor R0B0T > SIR IN THE MYRMIDON YOU ARE UNDER ARREST
[ 03:20:11 ] Apoctasy > SIR IN THE MYRMYDON, STOP RESISTING ARREST
[ 03:20:12 ] L4zor R0B0T > YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT
[ 03:20:15 ] Golden Helmet > DO NOT RESIST ARREST
[ 03:20:16 ] Lachesis VII > EJECT FROM YOUR SHIP
[ 03:20:16 ] L4zor R0B0T > YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO EJECT
[ 03:20:20 ] jackz01 > LOL
[ 03:20:27 ] rm9403 > who th f are u i sware i will f*** u uo
[ 03:20:29 ] rm9403 > up*
[ 03:20:29 ] jackz01 > pyton carel
[ 03:20:33 ] jackz01 > they are noobs


Narrator: The ADF watched helplessly as the Rupture continued to pummel the Myrmidon and soon the battlecruiser was destroyed in a furious explosion. As the engagement ended, the hostile locals made their move as a large, dangerous fleet began arriving at the belt.
[ 03:23:09 ] L4zor R0B0T > YOU SIR IN THE HURRICANE
[ 03:23:13 ] L4zor R0B0T > CEASE YOUR AGGRESSIVE ACTIVITES
[ 03:23:51 ] Spectre3353 > SHOTS FIRED
[ 03:23:52 ] Spectre3353 > SHOTS FIRED
[ 03:23:54 ] Spectre3353 > OFFICER IS DOWN
[ 03:23:56 ] rm9403 > pvpers f*** the fag-o-lice
[ 03:23:57 ] Nashh Kadavr > OFFICER DOWN!!!
[ 03:23:59 ] Spectre3353 > WE NEED BACKUP OH MY GOD NO
[ 03:24:01 ] Spectre3353 > HELP PLEASE HELP
[ 03:24:03 ] jackz01 > we are all owning them
[ 03:24:22 ] rm9403 > i will help
[ 03:24:32 ] jackz01 > they are all jamemers
[ 03:24:34 ] jackz01 > jammers
[ 03:24:37 ] jackz01 > thats all they are
[ 03:24:39 ] rm9403 > lol
[ 03:24:39 ] UberNero > OFFICER NEEDS ASSISTANCE
[ 03:24:43 ] Gorgoth24 > Lol
[ 03:24:45 ] Wizardus > OMG!
[ 03:24:46 ] jackz01 > griffins
[ 03:24:48 ] Gorgoth24 > Is that yall in belt 1?
[ 03:24:49 ] jackz01 > scorpions
[ 03:24:50 ] Wizardus > I's a BB marathon!!
[ 03:24:52 ] Golden Helmet > OFFICER DOWN
[ 03:25:27 ] Apoctasy > WE HAVE MULTIPLE OFFICERS DOWN
[ 03:25:27 ] Spectre3353 > Again it has happened
[ 03:25:32 ] rm9403 > yeah gtfo out
[ 03:25:34 ] Spectre3353 > our attempts at peace have turned into a massacre
[ 03:25:45 ] jackz01 > we take this for pvppers!~!!!!!!!!
[ 03:25:46 ] Spectre3353 > When will New Eden learn to be peaceful?
[ 03:25:46 ] rm9403 > thats right bitch
Narrator: The ADF fought valiantly and bravely to keep their attacks at bay without causing any harm in return but this was another fight that simply could not be won. After several officer casualties, the police force had no choice but to limp away and regroup, defeated.


[ 03:28:57 ] jackz01 > police suck
The feed slowly fades to black as several ADF Blackbirds fly off into the distance, fire and smoke cascading from their ravaged hulls.

TSJR: That was quite intense, Commander. What was the final result of the second ADF operation?

Spectre: *sighs* Not good. This job sucks. I quit.

-----

EDITOR'S NOTE - Some chatlogs posted here were edited for content. Nothing said was modified but some lines of conversation were removed to keep chatlogs from becoming unreadable blobs of spam. Thanks for your understanding and please continue to read the Spacelane Journal!

28 comments:

Lars Lodar said...

Man that was so goddamn hilarious. Wish I didn't have to work.

Kobra said...

rm9403 > who thd f are u i sware i will fuck u up
jackz01 > pyton carel
jackz01 > they are noobs

Jackz01 on Battleclinic
Lifetime kills 137 Lifetime losses 56

Who's the noob? noob

Bourreau said...

Keeping the streets safe...for justice.

00sage00 said...

Hahahha.

Raxip Elamp said...

Man you crack me up so hard. Don't say you quit though. You're doing good, keeping the belts safe. You do important work sir.

Lei Merdeau said...

You keep the belts safe by distracting yourselves from your normal habits. I LOLd, well done.

Caster Rom said...

I lol'd a big one. That was genius.

Cozmik R5 said...

Good to know that people can safely mine and run missions in Low-sec now :))

Spectre said...

Best part is definitely this:

[ 03:16:11 ] jackz01 > lets all kill
[ 03:16:13 ] jackz01 > the officer
[ 03:16:18 ] jackz01 > then crap on his dead body
[ 03:16:44 ] Nashh Kadavr > COMMANDER? CRAPPING ON DEAD BODY'S IS AN OFFENCE RIGHT?
[ 03:16:53 ] Spectre3353 > Yes Officer Nash
[ 03:17:04 ] Spectre3353 > Crapping upon corpses is against order 56-1.B in the ADF rulebook

Rettic said...

I deem this your best post Spectre. I was rolling.

[ 02:35:58 ] Vaurion Infara > better taze him, dat nigga crazy

So many wins.

Mynxee said...

sooo funny! Here's an image you can turn into a recruitment poster. I think you need more numbers. :)

Latro said...

Brilliant!! Simply brilliant!! "The Thin Blue
Line" and all that. My favorite bit:

[ 03:13:03 ] Spectre3353 > Control - I have a 5712 Honda Rupture here with a tailight out. License plate 1726-A8FF-129100-FEA-1
[ 03:13:07 ] Spectre3353 > Roger roger.

The former, because I happen to drive a Honda and as soon as I put any duct tape on it, I'll really know it's Minmatar. The latter broadcast because I watch Star wars; The Clone Wars on TV with my eldest and those droids just crack us up.

Cheers.

Omgah said...

Proof that only idiots inhabit tama.

Yargok said...

haha, its like they were proud and chestbeating for taking you down..

I say all upgrade to scorpies.. especially after their visual upgrades.. now that is scary.

Dan Boone said...

Too funny.

Michael Phoenix said...

lulz

phantam said...

Where the f*ck is the ADF Swat deployment? AKA Battleships and Hacs? To deal with overtly hostile forces.

And i agree i believe that the ADF needs to upgrade skills and upgrade their cars to scorpies

Nashh Kadavr said...

Brilliant idea this spec! dont give up just yet!

Anonymous said...

Oh man that was bloody hilarious. I wish I could find an Aussie TZ corp like yours to join.

Sbrdoc said...

Funniest blog ever.

I'd help you if I wasn't 3 systems deep in w-space. I wouldn't be quite so 'nonviolent' though, so you probably don't want vigilante assistance.

Lars Lodar said...

I said it before and I'll say it again.

Python Cartel = Best Cartel

Ospie said...

Haha, that was fantastic, look forward to see what job you take up next!

spinnaker said...

Hahaha I really enjoyed this installment of the ADF adventures, please dont stop :)

Bass Indy said...

That was the best one yet. I agree with Phantam. You need a team of SWAT Battleships on standby in case the locals get out of hand.

Htrag said...

what in the fuck? you guys are nuts

Sorin Markov said...

Too.......damn........funny.

Cat o'Ninetails said...

hi cat here

it is with great encouragement i read about your defence operations - keep up the good work!!!! lol

xx

Anonymous said...

I hope you guys are still doing this when I get my new Caldari toon skilled up a bit. This is absolutely fantastic.