Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Nacho Cheese

I don't really like to go to the movies anymore. I pay $15 a month for Netflix and another $80 a month for internet access and cable with a DVR, all of which are great resources for relatively commercial free entertainment. When I watch a movie or a TV show in my basement, there isn't any fat nerd sitting behind me kicking my seat. There isn't some annoying little kid crying in front of me or some stupid fuck off to my right sending a text messages on a super bright iPhone. Best of all, it doesn't cost me $9.50, plus a "convenience fee" just to watch some generic, flashy shit that is the same movie as the last one I saw but with the word "Super" slapped on the front of the name and "Part 2: Episode 9: The Bludgeonatering" slapped on as a suffix.

Another nice thing about watching video entertainment at home is that there are rarely any "Coming Attractions" that I can't skip. When I stick in a DVD, occasionally there is an ad for one or two movies but half the time I can just jump through them right to the DVD menu. Not so if you go to the theater. Things are so bad now that they actually have ads before the ads. If you show up to the theater before show-time and sit down, you will be treated to the pre-ad ads that tell you about the Kia dealer down the street and some movie where cats and dogs are secret agents and being voiced by Paul Newmans corpse.

Once those are over and you hit the actual "showtime", you get yet another set of advertisements. These ads are different, special and more awesome than the first set of ads because of the fact that they dim the lights slightly before they play them. After about twenty minutes of learning about the next Twilight movie, the next unfunny Dreamworks movie and seeing a teaser for a CG remake (also known as a "raping") of a franchise that I loved in my childhood, maybe the real movie will start. No guarantees though because they still need to tell us about seven more movies coming out next summer that will be in eye-popping 3-D! Wow! I haven't seen anything in 3-D since like... I turned and looked at that chair next to me a few seconds ago! Why does every single movie use the same "eye-popping" description to push their 3-D movie versions? Is the movie industry really so stuck in a rut that out of the entire English language, they can only come up with one phrase to try and make their new tech look good? On top of that, is "eye-popping" even something you want your audience to think about in a positive light? Last I checked, having your eyeballs inside of your skull was preferred to outside and "eye-popping" was something that happened to electric chair victims after they had been cooked for about four minutes straight.

Talk about a gimmick that a couple corporations decided we should be excited about so they could sell more expensive tickets. I should want to pay extra to be uncomfortable as you trick my brain into thinking that shit is being thrown at me every two minutes and for giving me a migraine? How about putting out some quality films before even worrying about pushing unwanted tech on top of them?

On top of all my other complaints, the prices for snacks and drinks at the theater are a bit obscene. You want $12 so that I can buy some sugar water and popped corn kernels? Eat shit you cocksuckers. I surf the internet hard every day instead of doing my work to make that money and I'm not pissing it away on Sour Patch Kids when I don't even like to eat the red ones. I am sneaking in my own snacks and a nice bottle of water that has been refilled about seven times.

So, I went to the theater for the first time in a while just this weekend to see Toy Story 3. Yes, it is sort-of a kids movie. Regardless, what Pixar puts out is better than most of the trash in the bin, even if it is for kids. Yes, I cried a little at the end (if sobbing uncontrollably could be considered "a little"). Yes, I own a Buzz Lightyear action figure and yes we go everywhere together. Don't judge me. My mother says that lots of other young men my age do it too.

When I hunkered down during my latest trip, I brought a bottle and stuck it in the cup holder at my seat. During the saddest part of the movie, I reached up to my face to scratch an itch (not to wipe away any tears, honestly) when I accidentally smacked my bottle of water. It dropped to the ground and rolled to my right where someone had decided to sit only one seat away from me. A theater with hundreds of seats and only a couple dozen viewers and this asshole had decided to sit one seat away from me. I bet that fucking prick didn't even have his phone on vibe. I bet he is the type of douche that was wishing the entire time that this movie was in 3-D.

As I thought about how this guy I had never met was probably a giant cockbag, I began to grope around in the darkness down below me, carefully glancing at him and hoping his cockbag taint hadn't gotten to close to my water bottle. I moved my hand forward, back, left and then right to try and find the bottle when a gooey, disgusting feeling encompassed my finger. I recoiled quickly and abandoned my search. Further investigation by smelling and feeling my finger revealed that I had most certainly stuck it into someones nacho cheese. The nacho cheese of my neighbor. I stole a glance to my right just in time to watch him pick up his soft pretzel and nacho dip platter from the floor. He carefully selected a pretzel bite, dipped it into the recently violated orange cheese product and then took a big sloppy bite. I slunk down in my seat and shuddered as I thought about which orifice that finger had just been in few minutes ago. That guy had just eaten my ass cheese.

I fucking hate the movies.


Anonymous said...

Well done, sir! Well done. Also, I too had an itch during that part.

Anonymous said...

Ooo baby how about a date? Let's go see Twilight together? Which team are you on?

Dirk Smacker said...

Cost bumped me out from "movie regular" status. Not wanting to pay people like Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise $15 to sleepwalk through an accidental spy movie has driven me to outright piracy. Granted, I don't sell pirated stuff, I consider it more like eavesdropping. Heck, I may even dump cable and go 100% torrent one day.

Andrea skye said...

cinema sucks. Why pay when you can download it for free.

Lars Lodar said...

I don't know about what it's like elsewhere, but in Portland Oregon we have at least a dozen independent theaters where you can watch movies for 3-6 dollars.

You can also order micro-brews and much cheaper concessions.

Spectre said...

Lars: The closest theater to me is next to one of the largest malls in the country. The entire geographical area in and around the theater is based upon the idea of gouging people for as much money as possible.

Seismic Stan said...

You have my sympathies. As if the lack of a pause button wasn't bad enough, no-one should have to put his finger in another man's cheese.

Anonymous said...

I agree somewhat. The prices are out of this world. However, I like gpoing to the movies because it's a night out, and there's something about having a watching a movie on a huge screen with 7.1 surround sound rather than my 32" LCD w/ stereo.

And torrenting theater movies or more isn't that great. They're either those "cam" movies, or they have watermarks all over the film reminding you that it's a "preview release" or whatever. I prefer to wait till they ome to DVD to torrent them, but by that time they're not "New" anymore. =/

Nerdsbeware said...

You are totally a crotchety old man with your hand problems and yelling at kids to get off your lawn.

Anyway yea going to the movies sucks when everything is in 3D or just shit, and I still go almost once a week because its my bag. And while I once loved every movie I saw, I pretty much hate 90% of whats out there right now.

Toy Story 3 however was goddamn amazing. And the last Harry Potter is going to be EPIC.

f0st3r said...

I am not a big movie person myself, I just usually watch quality movies like Black Cock Down, Crocodile Blondee, Done In 60 Seconds, Little Oral Annie.. You know, just the popular titles!