Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Remove You

CrazyKinux has been doing the blog banter thing now for several months but I have never posted a response to any of the topics before. Why are things different this time around?

(1) I really want to win a keychain because that sort of thing would make my day. It is really about time I replaced my eight year old "Hello Kitty" one anyhow as it's nerdy and a keychain about an internet spaceship video game would be considerably more mature.

(2) I immediately knew exactly how I wanted to respond to the topic and I am very opinionated about this one.

The topic for this edition of Eve Blog Banter is:

"Last month Ga'len asked us which game mechanic we would most like to see added to EVE. This month Keith "WebMandrill" Nielson proposes to reverse the question and ask what may be a controversial question: Which game mechanic would you most like to see removed completely from EVE and why? I can see this getting quite heated so lets keep it civil eh?"

What game mechanic would I want removed from Eve? That's easy! So without further introduction:

Fuck All Of You

"Keep it civil?" Come on now. The mechanic that needs to be removed completely from Eve is the ability to login. The thing that would make Eve step off the precipice from "Good" to "Perfect" would be if CCP finally got the balls to removed players from the game. Just for a minute imagine how this would affect the landscape of the universe:

(1) Peace and Quiet:

Everywhere I fly and everywhere I go I hear idiots. Babbling over every communications channel like a bunch of four year olds. Whining about one thing, spouting gibberish about another. My brain can't take it anymore and I have to imagine that the poor space itself can't handle it either. We all need a break from it, a permanent one. I got your back Siseide, Dantumi, D7-ZAC, Malkanen and J155545. If we could only prevent people from existing in the universe you would be able to continue on in your peaceful and noble existance. Soon we will be alone and the only voices I hear will be the ones in my head telling me that I have to murder my neighbors dog ASAP because he is actually the Devil in disguise. I'll get you Spot... just you wait.

(2) Pollution and Litter:

You people just don't care about the beauty and nature surrounding you. I land in one system just to see ten drones abandoned in a corner. I jump into another to find twenty-five jettisoned cans floating next to a gate. Debris from shipwrecks, abandoned stations and even frozen corpses. Let us not even begin to talk about the CO2 emissions from all the ships! Does no one have any concern about how we are raping the vacuum that nature has spent billions of years cultivating to be totally devoid of any matter? Every time you fill that vacuum with anything you are completely throwing off the balance and ecosystem that had been thriving and refining itself for longer than you can even begin to fathom. Way to be a bunch of inconsiderate assclowns. The universe would only be better off without you leaving your droppings everywhere you go.

(3) Real Life Productivity:

Let's stop with the role-playing for a minute here (because I normally RP hardkore and to the max when I blog). Do you all realize that Eve is a game? Tens of thousands online at once with some of us spending way too much time online doing something that means nothing. A lot of us even spent a good portion of offline time reading stupid ass forums and posting stupid ass blogs about stupid ass video game shit. Imagine if you spent all of that time doing something productive? If we had pooled our time together into something useful we probably could have cured Cancer, resolved worldwide poverty and traveled to Neptune to meet the super-sexy-all-female-race-of-super-aliens-with-four-breasts. Right now people are suffering and a number of us are missing out on alien sex because we ignore real life responsibilities and problems to fly internet spaceships. Disgusting and embarassing. You should be ashamed.


It is hard to imagine that anyone is going to come up with a better blog banter submission than this so please just contact me in game or via email when you need my information for the Hoodie. If possible I would really prefer the keychain as well but that is a discussion we can have more in depth in a week.

People (and Eve players specifically) are a virus. We are a plague. We destroy and devalue everything we touch just by existing and removing the ability for us to login would make the universe of Eve into an Utopia of incredible proportions. Well at least until CCP ran out of money thanks to lack of subscriptions. To that I say... stimulus package?

Other Blog Banter #9 Entries:
  1. Diary of a Space Jockey, Blog Banter: BE GONE!
  2. EVE Newb, (EVE) Remove You
  3. Miner With Fangs, Blog Banter - It's the Scotch
  4. The Eden Explorer, Blog Banter: The Map! The Map!
  5. The Wandering Druid of Tranquility, "Beacons, beacons, beacons, beacons, beacons, mushroom, MUSHROOM!!!"
  6. Inner Sanctum of the Ninveah, Kill the Rats
  7. Mercspector @ EVE, Scotty
  8. EVE's Weekend Warrior, EVE Blog Banter #9
  9. A Merry Life and a Short One, Eve Blog Banter #9: Why Won't You Die?
  10. Into the unknown with gun and camera, Blog Banter – The Hokey Cokey
  11. The Flightless Geek, EVE Blog Banter #9: Remove a Game Mechanic
  12. Sweet Little Bad Girl, Blog Banter 9: Who is Nibbling at My House?
  13. One Man and His Spaceship, Blog Banter 9: What could you do without?
  14. Life in Low Sec, EVE Blog Banter #9: Stop Tarnishing My Halo
  15. Cle Demaari: Citizen, Blog Banter #9: Training for all my men!
  16. A Mule in EVE, He who giveth, also taketh away?
  17. Dense Veldspar, Blog Banter 9
  18. Morphisat’s Blog, Blog Banter #9 – Randomness Be Gone !
  19. Facepalm's Blog, EVE Blog Banter #9: What a new pilot could do without
  20. Memoires of New Eden, You're Fired
  21. Kyle Langdon's Journeys in EVE, EVE Blog Banter #9 Titans? What's a Titan?
  22. Achernar, The gates! The gates are down!
  23. Speed Fairy, EVE Blog Banter #9: Down with Downtime!
  24. I am Keith Neilson, EVE Blog Banter #9-F**K Da Police
  25. Ripe Lacunae, The UI… Where do I begin… (Eve Blog Banter #9)
  26. Clown Punchers, EvE Blogs: What game mechanic would you get rid of?
  27. Estel Arador Corp Services, You've got mail
  28. Epic Slant, Let Mom and Pop Play: EVE Blog Banter #9
  29. Deaf Plasma's EVE Musings, Blog Banter #9 - Removal of Anchoring Delay of POS modules
  30. Podded Once Again, Blog Banter #9 - Do we really need to go AFK?
  31. Postcards from EVE, 2009.
  32. Harbinger Zero, Blog Banter #9 – War Declarations & Sec Status
  33. Warp Scrammed, Blog Banter 9 – Never Too Fast
  34. Ecaf Ersa (EVE Mag), Can a Tractor Tractor a Can?
  35. Thoughts from an Accidental Minmatar Revolutionary, EVE Blog Banter #9 - Aggression timers, WTs and Stargates
  36. Mike Azariah, I don't put much stock in it...
  37. Rettic's Log, Blog Banter: Overview Overload
  38. A Sebiestor Scholar, [OOC] EVE Blog Banter #9: Slaves
  39. Diary of a pod pilot, [OOC] EVE blog banter #9: Because of Falcon
  40. Roc's Ramblings, Blog Banter #9 – Taking Things Slow
  41. The Gaming-Griefer, EVE Sucks, But I Love It: The Memoir of a Masochist
  42. Letrange's EVE Blog, Blog Banter #9: Bye Bye Learning Skills
  43. Lyietfinvar, Remove that monopoly
  44. Sceadugenga, Blog Banter #9
  45. Industrialist with Teeth, EVE Blog Banter #9


Kyle Langdon said...

This post is pure win.

Oh and first!

Carole Pivarnik said...

ROFL! You really should try stand-up. If I was on the prize committee, this post would get my vote. You are nuts...in all the good ways.

Dexter Tripod said...

Well done Sir! Think of the exploits it would solve too...actually, that would solve ALL the exploits!

Kirith Kodachi said...

I support a partial implementation of this idea.

Lamthara said...

i'm not sure you will win a keychain...
but sir...

you won the internet with this post :)

Anonymous said...

Slow. Freaking. Clap.

Andrea skye said...

"Everywhere I fly and everywhere I go I hear idiots. Babbling over every communications channel like a bunch of four year olds."


Anonymous said...


So, if we can't log in, do we all go back to WoW?

Teister said...

Top quality post...
I do take partial offense to the use of the word 'assclown' though...

Anonymous said...

Epic fail sauce...with cheese

TheFlightlessGeek said...

I support this proposal 100%

Tramov said...

Cool idea -- that would solve my network connection problems as well. No more lag!

Just me and... nobody else.

Chain Trap said...


Tony "EVE's Weekend Warrior" said...

Haha funny. You're epic LOL'ness is unbeatable.

But seriously, that keychain is MINE!!!

Velocity Prime said...

Preach it!

The amount of clutter and debris left about the galaxy is enough to make even the most hardened criminal weep. Please help to make our galaxy a greener place.

Give this man a keychain!